Buizel vs the Cellphone People
by SonicKitsune
Summary: Buizel is a pretty average Buizel. And he wants a cellphone... badly. He'll be forced through several companies before he gets one. That is... if he gets one... and survives. Who will he sign with? And will he stop craving donuts and pretzels long enough?
1. Buizel vs Verizon

This is a story about Buizel. Interestingly, I searched for the term "Buizel" here and no stories came up. I doubt this is the first to include Buizel, but it may be the first here to star it. Starring him, in this case. He needs a cellphone. Even if it means working for interdimensional freaks.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Pokémon, Verizon, or the Portal Gun from Portal. I wish I had the last one, though.

* * *

One time there was some Buizel named Buizeru. That wasn't really his name, it was just the Japanese one. So the Buizel loved pie, as everyone does. He also liked Mudkip. Not in that way, you sick pervert. So he once decided to go shopping for a cellphone since he didn't have one for some reason. 

"Okay, where do I find a cellphone?" he thought. Then he located a stand for Verizon Wireless.

"What can I do you for?" the Mawile running the stand inquired.

"Can I see your plans and stuff?" Buizel casually and clumsily asked.

"Yes, we have our awesome expensive plan or our crappy cheap one. With the awesome one, you get and awesome phone. With the crappy cheap one, you get a phone that works."

"Okay. I'm a cheapskate, so I'll take the crappy one. All I need is a phone, anyway. You can watch videos on the Internet for free."

"All right, sign here in blood-- I mean, ink, please."

Buizel really wanted to read the contract, but he wanted a pretzel. So he signed without looking, got the phone, and a pretzel, and went home.

Later, when he was at home, a million Pokémon barged into the door. One had dorky glasses on.

"Holy crap! Call the freaking police!" Buizel shouted.

"No, we're your network." the dork said, who was a Croagunk. Those things are ugly. Real ugly. I think they might be related to the unspeakably ugly evolution of Snorunt.

"Man, you're ugly."

"You can't escape us, because we have towers everywhere."

Buizel thought that he might have accidentally ingested an illegal substance and decided to take a shower. But then the dork was in the shower.

"We're with you all the time."

The dork seemed perverted, so Buizel kicked him in the nads. He faced the toilet and the dork came out of it.

"You'll never find out how we do it," the dork assured, but Buizel saw the Portal Gun from Portal and he shot the two portals between a large boulder and a bar called The Hard Place and threw Croagunk through it. He went so fast he turned into infinity and became a fireball.

"Okay, time to find some loopholes," Buizel thought, "and not in the Laws of Physics."

* * *

Uselesss fact: I'm a Verizon subscriber. I have the "crappy" plan with a phone that works. They're actually pretty good and don't send stalkers after you. But I'm basing the companies by their commercials and products. 


	2. Cingular or AT&T and TMobile

Last time, Buizel struck out with Verizon. Now he's trying whatever Cingular is now. Then tries T-Mobile.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any phone company whatsoever. Not even Satan Incorporated.

* * *

After finding an exploit in the contract for Verizon, Buizel was back at the mall. This time, he bought a pretzel before going to the Cingular booth. 

"Wassup?" the intern Poliwhirl greeted.

"Uh, I'd like to see your deals." Buizel nervously replied. After being attacked by multidimensional freaks, he had a right to be.

"Sure, I got connections. You know Tony?"

"Who? I'm talking about Cingular!"

A Pinsir who was the manager talked to the Poliwhirl, who said, "Sorry, we're AT&T now."

"Okay, can I see your AT&T plans?"

The Pinsir spoke to Poliwhirl again. "No, wait, we're Compuserve now."

"What?"

"No, scratch that," the Poliwhirl repeated, "it's Zovuzazz."

"Okay, what the--"

"Now it's Satan Incorporated."

"WHAT?!?"

"No, Yourmomathon Pink Bunny Version."

"Okay, screw this."

Buizel, angered by what was now Company of the Crap, strolled over to the T-Mobile booth.

"We are T-Mobile. We have Five. You want Five?" the Lopunny working there said, apparently on a bet to only say three words a sentence.

"Yes, I might. What deals you... have?"

"We have three. First one cheap. Second one okay. Third one value."

"Uh... First one okay."

"No, that's wrong. Second one okay."

"I want first."

"Sign the contract."

Buizel thought he was safe, but now he wanted a doughnut. Yes, that's the right way to spell "donut". So he signed in a hurry, got the phone, a doughnut, and went home.

Later, when Buizel was deciding who to put in his Five, a bunch of Pokémon barged in again.

"Oh, crap. I thought I cancelled Verizon!"

"No, we're the hotspot." a Hitmonchan said. "And we're throwing a kegger!"

"Oh, f--"

Just then, a Chimchar lit a fart in his face. In the bathroom, where Buizel was treating the burn, a Munchlax came in and vomited in the toilet. It started to overflow. A Mudkip came over to him.

"What's up, Mudkip?" Buizel asked.

"THE HOUSE!!!" Mudkip yelled at him.

Sure enough, Buizel looked out the window and noticed the foundation of his little house was not on the ground. He braced for impact...

* * *

Here's a spoiler for the next chapter: 

...and it hurt, a lot.

Pretty obvious, though. I would have done a parody about how they drop calls, but they changed their name too much. I might do that later...


	3. Working with the Opposition?

Buizel had some uninvited guests, who wrecked him out of house and having enough money to do anything. Now he's job hunting to try to get a freebie.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the companies mentioned throughout. I wish I did.

* * *

After spending two days in the hospital and getting a massive bill, plus not having enough to clean the house, Buizel needed work. He still wanted a cellphone, but couldn't afford one. He thought by working at a company, he'd get one for free, so he picked one that seemed modest - Sprint Nextel.

"Hey, can I get a job at this booth?" Buizel sheepishly asked.

"Sure, but you have to pass the test!" the Scizor manager yelled. "Our phones are indestructable!" he stated as he fired a Hyper Beam at it and got a call from his mother soon after. "Yes, I'll pick that up. Love you. Bye." He turned to Buizel and yelled, "ARE YOU LIKE A NEXTEL PHONE OR A SPRINT ONE?!?"

"Aren't they the same?"

"NO, THEY ARE NOT! Sprint phones are weak!" He touched one and it exploded.

Buizel had a random and bizarre hunger for a pretzel-shaped donut. "Okay, nevermind. You are weird."

"It's time for Mail Call, my favorite show!" the Scizor said, somehow getting the History Channel without cable or satellite.

He walked over to an Amp'd Mobile kiosk. "Hello?" Buizel inquired.

"AMP'D!!!!!" some random guy yelled. Buizel flew back and smacked into the Helio kiosk. "Can I work at your phone company?"

A Wailord fell through the ceiling and right on top of Buizel, and pretty much the whole east wing of the mall because it was so giant.

"IT'S NOT A FREAKING PHONE!!!" the Wailord yelled, as that is the only way such a massive creature can talk.

Buizel, somehow surviving the impact, walked up to the TracFone booth, got one since it was cheap, and it expired shortly after he bought it since he only bought two seconds of service, since a year cost about a million. It then exploded.

"Yo, where you at? I is here!" a Shuppet working the register asked... or stated... or... I don't know.

"What?" Buizel wondered, confused as I was.

"Wassup, foo? I is da phone that get you up!"

"WHAT?!?"

"I is a pimp! You gotta be a pimp to work da register!"

"Okay, stop with that act and tell me in simple English, please!"

The Shuppet got a high-class British accent and said, "Please do listen, son, I have a family of one, myself, and I would like to earn enough pounds to purchase a plasma-type telly. As all other places were not sufficient, I was forced to act in that way to make the amount of cash I require."

Buizel backed away slowly, and then ran.

* * *

That guy has other problems. Such as even working there. Heck, McDonald's pays more! 


	4. New Mall, Same Madness

Last time, Buizel struck out again at the mall. Buizel tries a different one and might make it with AT&T or Helio.

* * *

Since the one mall wasn't giving any good options (and had no pretzel-shaped donuts), Buizel traveled to the second mall. He saw the Cingular booth, which was now and staying an AT&T booth, and strolled over. 

"Uh, hey," Buizel said, "can I get a job here?"

"WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TEXTING 50 TIMES A SECOND?!?" the Kirlia working the place shouted.

"Uh... IDK, my BFF Jill?"

"You know what I'm going to do?"

"What?"

The Kirlia said, "I'm gonna pay you two cents to not leave!" but was not heard because AT&T dropped the conversation. Buizel left and walked over to the Helio kiosk.

"Can I work at your... not phone company?" Buizel nervously asked.

"Sure," the Glaceon there replied. "Remember, it's not a phone, it's a Helio."

A few minutes later, Buizel had a Helio and a low-paying job. A Kangaskhan slowly walked over, which from seeing the kiosk five meters away and walking over there, took about two and a half minutes. "Hi, I'd like a Helio for my little son." This sentence didn't make sense because all Kangaskhan are female and the only thing that evolves into Kangaskhan is Missingno., so the baby is just a glitch or an overlooked plot device. But Buizel complied anyway.

"Sure, just look at this contract, read it, and sign it," Buizel wisely said, remembering how he had his house dropped from the sky and also how he bent the laws of physics before that. Inconveniently for the Kangaskhan, she craved 27 hot dogs, and rushed into signing and left with the not-phone.  
"Hey, guy," the Glaceon may or may not have been hitting on Buizel. "I'll get you a pretzel-shaped donut and we can split it."

Buizel felt nervous, as he didn't have any feelings for her, and it was probably a temporary crush or something, but accepted because it was 14:14, which is 2:14 PM, since he hadn't had anything since the start of the day. But the Helio had a not-ringtone that was a loud fart that broke the display glass and sent the Glaceon flying to the donut-shaped pretzel place. She got one anyway since she was upside-down and couldn't read that way.

While Buizel was waiting for the something-shaped something, a Banette came up and scared the living crap out of Buizel, but not literally. Then it used its Frisk ability on the booth and found a taco for no reason.

Glaceon arrived with a box of donut-shaped donuts she actually ordered at the place. "What the heck was that thing?" she wondered.

"Don't know. A freak who stole a taco somehow from this place."

Glaceon suddenly looked nervous and lifted up some fabric at the bottom of the kiosk's inside and whispered a bunch of Spanish I don't know to some guy named Enriqué. The entire kiosk tipped over and a taco truck drove away from where it was.

Buizel had thought he had gone insane, but grabbed the box of donut-shaped not-pretzels left behind.

* * *

So, Buizel was practically fired due to a technicality of a kiosk actually being a taco truck. That's what the companies will do to you. 


	5. The Old Model And Service

The final chapter.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything mentioned in the story, except a Verizon phone and an old model PSP.

* * *

After eating the whatever-donuts-are, Buizel was hungry for a fancy pants phone. So he went to the Apple Store and a bunch of security guards stripped anything Microsoft off of him, which was a T-shirt he found in a dumpster.

"You want iPhone now!" the Snorunt at the place yelled.

"I guess..." Buizel reluctantly agreed.

"You want now!"

"Okay."

He left with an iPhone that couldn't do anything, so he wanted to play GameCube games on it. He found a potato chip in a garbage can and jammed it into the phone, which made it a Playstation One. But then it exploded because it updated.

About 20 kilometers away, out of sight and sound, but not smell, an orca fell onto the Kangaskhan that bought a not-phone from Helio. It spared her because it only wanted 5 hot dogs.

Buizel, still desparate for a phone, walked into a GameStop. "Did you know that you can use your PSP as a phone now?" the salesman Grovyle in there said.

"Uh, no." Buizel had a PSP, which was odd since he was from Nintendo.

"Yeah. Do you have the old model"

"Yes."

"You need the new model." The Grovyle handed him a PSP which looked exactly like the old one.

"This is just the old one."

"No, it has..." Grovyle put googly eye glasses on it. "Bouncy Vision!"

Buizel left and thought about sending the asylum guys on that salesman. He then decided to try Verizon once more.

"Hi!" the Mawile running the Verizon kiosk shouted. "I thought you left."

"Well, I'm back," Buizel stated, "and I've got a restraining order this time."

"Very well, but if you happen to find yourself at an evil gas station, we won't protect you."

"How often will that happen?"

Two weeks after signing the contract and getting a good phone, he was faced with an evil gas station.

"Want me to eat your face and soul?" the Glalie there asked Buizel.

"No. I've got my network, though," Buizel cued.

Nobody came.

"I said, I've got my network!"

"Restraining order, remember?" the Mawile shouted from 100 meters away.

"Crap."

A Squirtle came from Miami and found the scene. He took off his sunglasses and said, "Looks like this guy's..." he put on the sunglasses, "got gas."

Some rock song out of nowhere said, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" and blew the Glalie out to some foreign country.

From there, Buizel used his cellphone to prank call Jack Bauer and got arrested for some reason. Then he got out of jail and used his cellphone to make a car appear in the air so he couldn't reach it. He got bored and flung himself around the city as a ragdoll model so he could do random flips and get embedded in walls halfway.

And that's the end of that chapter. And the tale. And this whole nonsense issue.

* * *

And that's the end of this story. The moral is that cellphones are all screwed up and you should be careful to not get the wrong one.


End file.
